ClipSelect v3
0:00:09.71 - 0:00:12.79

And one thing led to another,

0:00:12.88 - 0:00:14.96

and now I'm gonna have to find a new pool boy.

0:00:15.04 - 0:00:18.08

You hooked up with the guy who cleans your drains?

0:00:18.17 - 0:00:21.67

Let's just say Rodrigo did a very thorough job.

0:00:21.75 - 0:00:25.13

-Shame I'm dumping him for his cousin.

0:00:25.21 - 0:00:27.29

Oh hey, now that he's available,

0:00:27.38 - 0:00:29.88

he can be your plus-one to my next book signing.

0:00:29.96 - 0:00:32.96

Why would I wanna date your hand-me-down boy toy?

0:00:33.04 - 0:00:36.63

I don't wanna sound elitist, but he's covered in vegetable oil.

0:00:36.71 - 0:00:40.42

You haven't had a serious boyfriend since college, and it's worrying.

0:00:40.50 - 0:00:41.83

I'm single by choice,

0:00:41.92 - 0:00:46.88

because I have a fulfilling career where I am doing really important things.

0:00:46.96 - 0:00:49.88

In conclusion, by duct-taping a bunch of drones together,

0:00:49.96 - 0:00:53.17

you get the Drone Throne!

0:00:53.25 - 0:00:54.96

God bless America!

0:00:58.58 - 0:00:59.75

Great news, everyone!

0:00:59.83 - 0:01:02.71

We've officially purchased the dating app RightSwipe.

0:01:02.79 - 0:01:05.83

We now have a blackmailer's ransom in personal data.

0:01:05.92 - 0:01:07.25

Oh my God,

0:01:07.33 - 0:01:09.54

it's every profile in DC.

0:01:09.63 - 0:01:10.75

Including Myc's?

0:01:10.83 - 0:01:13.00

Huh, "Mold diggers swipe left."

0:01:13.08 - 0:01:15.63

Andre identifies as alwayssexual?

0:01:15.71 - 0:01:18.63

Surprise, surprise, it says Gigi's attracted to power.

0:01:18.71 - 0:01:20.79

Power is attracted to me, honey.

0:01:20.88 - 0:01:23.79

With all this user data, we finally have enough dick pics

0:01:23.88 - 0:01:25.92

to blackmail the two remaining branches of government…

0:01:26.00 - 0:01:26.83

Ugh!

0:01:26.92 - 0:01:29.38

…we don't control. Reagan, I want you working late

0:01:29.46 - 0:01:30.88

sorting through these dicks.

0:01:30.96 - 0:01:32.25

Yes, sir.

0:01:32.33 - 0:01:35.17

Three-to-one odds it's the first dick she's seen in months.

0:01:35.25 - 0:01:38.00

-Oh, I'll take that action. -Oh, hell yeah, that's easy money.

0:01:38.08 - 0:01:40.13

-What the hell? What is that?

0:01:40.21 - 0:01:42.13

Are you betting on my dating life?

0:01:42.21 - 0:01:44.33

More like winning on your dating life.

0:01:44.42 - 0:01:47.25

-Four-to-one she dies alone. -Sorry, Reagan, nothing personal.

0:01:47.33 - 0:01:49.79

Well, we're gambling on when you'll finally get a boyfriend…

0:01:49.88 - 0:01:52.17

…so I guess it's incredibly personal.

0:01:52.25 - 0:01:55.92

Ugh, why is everyone so obsessed with me getting a boyfriend?

0:01:56.96 - 0:01:58.00

When she said "boyfriend,"

0:01:58.08 - 0:02:00.63

she was picturing the older brother from Boy Meets World.

0:02:00.71 - 0:02:01.79

That's how long it's been.

0:02:01.88 - 0:02:05.88

I can't imagine you with a guy. Don't you reproduce by cell division?

0:02:05.96 - 0:02:09.04

Fine. How about this for a bet? I'm changing this week's mission.

0:02:09.13 - 0:02:12.75

Double or nothing, I'll have a boyfriend by next week.

0:02:12.83 - 0:02:15.29

Then maybe you idiots will stop gossiping about me

0:02:15.38 - 0:02:16.79

and focus on work for once.

0:02:18.33 - 0:02:19.92

-There. See?

0:02:20.00 - 0:02:23.13

-DC, prepare to date Reagan Ridley.

0:02:27.00 - 0:02:28.00

Subtle.

0:02:51.29 - 0:02:54.13

Fine, J.R., I'll vote to loosen regulations again.

0:02:54.21 - 0:02:56.92

Just keep those pictures private. I'm a Republican.

0:02:57.00 - 0:03:00.21

I have no shame except for the deep-rooted sexual kind.

0:03:00.29 - 0:03:01.67

So, first date.

0:03:01.75 - 0:03:03.83

Is it sweaty in here, or is it just me?

0:03:04.42 - 0:03:06.13

Oh, this is just some work stuff.

0:03:06.21 - 0:03:08.21

-My job is a secret. Secret stuff. -Uh…

0:03:08.29 - 0:03:10.92

And, uh, if I told you, you'd have to die.

0:03:13.92 - 0:03:16.92

I'm so glad we matched. Honestly, I--

0:03:17.00 - 0:03:18.46

What are you doing?

0:03:18.54 - 0:03:20.71

-Just a quick DNA scan.

0:03:20.79 - 0:03:23.79

Great, you're a good genetic match. Now, where were we?

0:03:23.88 - 0:03:26.29

-I was just leaving.

0:03:27.25 - 0:03:30.79

Jason Bourne is about to be Bourne again.

0:03:30.88 - 0:03:32.46

The Bourne Redundancy.

0:03:32.54 - 0:03:35.17

It's more than you Bourgained for.

0:03:35.25 - 0:03:36.17

Bourne, Bourne, Bourne.

0:03:36.25 - 0:03:38.50

Bourne, Bourne, Bourne. Bourne. Bourne.

0:03:38.58 - 0:03:40.38

Bourne!

0:03:40.46 - 0:03:42.71

This movie is so unrealistic.

0:03:42.79 - 0:03:47.38

Everybody knows that the shadow government killed the real Jason Bourne years ago.

0:03:47.46 - 0:03:49.17

Huh? The shadow government?

0:03:49.25 - 0:03:50.08

Oh shit.

0:03:50.17 - 0:03:52.00

We're gonna need an extraction team.

0:03:57.21 - 0:03:59.00

-Hey, line up! -Put me down for 5 Gs!

0:03:59.08 - 0:04:00.33

What are you betting on now?

0:04:00.42 - 0:04:02.96

It turns out RightSwipe keeps an attractiveness score

0:04:03.04 - 0:04:04.04

for every user.

0:04:04.13 - 0:04:05.29

Brett's a perfect ten.

0:04:05.38 - 0:04:07.42

It's an honor just to be objectified.

0:04:07.50 - 0:04:09.21

What am I? Wait, don't tell me.

0:04:09.29 - 0:04:12.58

Subtract a point for being divorced, add one for being a veteran.

0:04:12.67 - 0:04:14.33

Then there's the face.

0:04:14.42 - 0:04:16.42

But I got a lot of baseball cards, so…

0:04:16.50 - 0:04:18.67

-A goddamn zero?

0:04:19.75 - 0:04:22.83

How's that even possible? It's on a one-to-ten scale!

0:04:22.92 - 0:04:25.63

Those numbers don't mean anything. It's about what's in your heart.

0:04:25.71 - 0:04:26.88

Says you, Hemsworth.

0:04:26.96 - 0:04:30.00

If I could coast on my looks like you, I'd be on easy street.

0:04:30.08 - 0:04:33.58

Gigi, you don't think people just like me for my looks, do you? I mean…

0:04:33.67 - 0:04:37.54

Sweetie, don't frown. It ruins the part of you that people like.

0:04:37.63 - 0:04:41.58

Ever since I merged my DNA with a dolphin, my life has been shit!

0:04:41.67 - 0:04:44.08

When I try to unlock my phone with my face,

0:04:44.17 - 0:04:45.75

it sends out an Amber Alert.

0:04:45.83 - 0:04:48.63

I bet if you had to live a week with this mug,

0:04:48.71 - 0:04:51.08

you'd be begging me to switch back.

0:04:52.04 - 0:04:53.67

We'll take that action!

0:04:54.71 - 0:04:55.75

I don't get it.

0:04:55.83 - 0:04:58.92

I've been rejected by almost every man in DC.

0:04:59.00 - 0:05:01.42

I can't give my coworkers the satisfaction

0:05:01.50 - 0:05:03.75

of watching me fail out of the gene pool.

0:05:03.83 - 0:05:06.42

Typical humans, worried about gene pools.

0:05:06.50 - 0:05:08.83

I have the ability to simulate worlds,

0:05:08.92 - 0:05:11.13

and you're trying to make me the Monica to your Rachel.

0:05:11.21 - 0:05:12.71

Binging Friends, are we?

0:05:12.79 - 0:05:14.13

No. Maybe.

0:05:14.21 - 0:05:16.71

They have winning chemistry. I'm not made of stone.

0:05:16.79 - 0:05:19.46

You know, I have all of RightSwipe's user data.

0:05:19.54 - 0:05:23.46

Between the two of us, we could build the perfect dating algorithm.

0:05:23.54 - 0:05:26.50

I have a literal galaxy brain. This task is beneath me.

0:05:26.58 - 0:05:28.42

Your own legs aren't even beneath you.

0:05:28.50 - 0:05:31.50

Please. If you help me, I'll let you watch the second season.

0:05:31.58 - 0:05:34.38

You mean I could find out if Chandler finally gets that end table?

0:05:34.46 - 0:05:35.83

Well-played, Reagan.

0:05:35.92 - 0:05:38.29

A tasty little quid pro quo.

0:05:39.00 - 0:05:40.25

Y'all are swapping faces.

0:05:40.33 - 0:05:42.67

First man to ask for their face back loses.

0:05:42.75 - 0:05:44.25

-Any questions? -Are you kidding?

0:05:44.33 - 0:05:45.79

Just get this face off of me!

0:05:45.88 - 0:05:47.63

Yes, Face/Off!

0:05:47.71 - 0:05:50.04

That's my favorite movie where faces come off.

0:05:50.13 - 0:05:52.42

This is gonna take a lot of anesthetic.

0:05:56.63 - 0:05:58.88

All right, let's do some John Woo shit.

0:06:24.92 - 0:06:28.54

Oh, wow. I have got to stop basing my surgeries on movies.

0:06:28.63 - 0:06:31.83

Let's just swap your brains. Freaky Friday, baby!

0:06:37.58 - 0:06:38.42

I did it.

0:06:38.50 - 0:06:41.08

It almost destroyed me, but I found you a match.

0:06:41.17 - 0:06:43.04

I'll try not to take that personally.

0:06:43.13 - 0:06:45.42

-Bryan Jacobsen, 32.

0:06:45.50 - 0:06:48.96

He lives in DC, teaches programming to underprivileged children,

0:06:49.04 - 0:06:50.38

and never had a female roommate,

0:06:50.46 - 0:06:52.67

so he'll have nothing to compare your house to.

0:06:52.75 - 0:06:55.42

And he doesn't mind wildly ambitious women?

0:06:55.50 - 0:06:59.29

He's your perfect match. He's turned on by being talked over.

0:06:59.38 - 0:07:02.38

Hmm. What should I message him? I need an opening line.

0:07:02.46 - 0:07:05.25

Enter the Reagan Dome! No, not that.

0:07:07.17 - 0:07:08.83

Oh my God, he already messaged me!

0:07:08.92 - 0:07:10.83

He wants to go on a date. What should I say?

0:07:10.92 - 0:07:15.54

Say yes. You're a 99.999% match. Even you can't screw this up.

0:07:15.63 - 0:07:18.33

I don't know. The last boyfriend I could see a future with

0:07:18.42 - 0:07:21.54

said that he'd love me for as long as Pluto was a planet.

0:07:21.63 - 0:07:23.63

I'm pretty sure he knew what was coming.

0:07:23.71 - 0:07:25.42

I need this date to go perfectly.

0:07:25.50 - 0:07:28.50

If only I could go on a practice date so I'm ready.

0:07:28.58 - 0:07:30.71

Well, you're not practicing on me.

0:07:30.79 - 0:07:34.08

-Practice my date on a robot. -No, that's not what I meant.

0:07:34.17 - 0:07:37.17

Practice on a robot. Heard you say it. I'm already committed to it.

0:07:37.25 - 0:07:39.38

Are you trying to torture me?

0:07:43.46 - 0:07:45.92

Hey, Bryan. I'm Reagan.

0:07:47.17 - 0:07:49.04

-Oh my God. Am I dead? -No.

0:07:49.13 - 0:07:50.67

Is this hell? Are you the devil?

0:07:50.75 - 0:07:52.75

-The devil is a woman in a scrunchie! -Uh…

0:07:52.83 - 0:07:54.08

-Hold on.

0:07:54.17 - 0:07:55.88

Okay, let's try that again.

0:07:56.92 - 0:08:00.33

Awareness down, reactivity down,

0:08:00.42 - 0:08:01.46

hair down.

0:08:02.46 - 0:08:05.17

Oh, hey. We've got to stop meeting like this.

0:08:05.25 - 0:08:07.13

Not too bad for a night's work.

0:08:07.21 - 0:08:09.04

I think he's ready for a test date.

0:08:09.13 - 0:08:11.38

Or you could just go on a date with the real Bryan.

0:08:11.46 - 0:08:12.58

But what do I know?

0:08:12.67 - 0:08:16.13

I'm only a Wi-Fi connection away from being an actual god.

0:08:16.21 - 0:08:18.67

Bryan-bot, you wanna get some dinner?

0:08:18.75 - 0:08:22.29

Sure. I can't process food, but I can mash it in my face hole.

0:08:23.00 - 0:08:25.38

Well, that was pretty painless, for me.

0:08:25.46 - 0:08:27.29

-Glenn, are you crying?

0:08:27.38 - 0:08:30.88

I'm beautiful. Fox News anchor beautiful.

0:08:30.96 - 0:08:34.04

And I'm about to prove that ugly is the new hot.

0:08:34.13 - 0:08:36.33

Question. Is my blowhole supposed to hurt?

0:08:36.42 - 0:08:38.67

Yeah, it's a fucking hole in your head.

0:08:38.75 - 0:08:41.96

Give me your phone. I got ten years of Tinder to catch up on.

0:08:47.00 - 0:08:47.96

Nice.

0:08:48.04 - 0:08:51.21

-This restaurant is perfect.

0:08:51.29 - 0:08:53.33

It's my favorite, I think.

0:08:53.42 - 0:08:55.92

Wait, are my memories just implanted lies?

0:08:56.00 - 0:08:59.29

-Oh shit. The real Bryan.

0:08:59.38 - 0:09:02.25

He can't see me while I'm beta-dating his robo-double.

0:09:02.33 - 0:09:03.46

We need to leave.

0:09:03.54 - 0:09:06.00

Why is romance so complicated?

0:09:10.54 - 0:09:11.46

Reagan?

0:09:11.54 - 0:09:12.50

Reagan?

0:09:12.58 - 0:09:15.25

Sorry, I just working in the back,

0:09:15.33 - 0:09:17.96

being super Italian.

0:09:18.04 - 0:09:20.42

Sbarro! Mario Kart!

0:09:21.50 - 0:09:23.13

Well, I'll be seeing you.

0:09:25.63 - 0:09:27.63

Hey, Reagan. Everything go okay in there?

0:09:27.71 - 0:09:30.67

I missed my only shot with my one true match,

0:09:30.75 - 0:09:33.67

and I'm expecting at least a written warning

0:09:33.75 - 0:09:36.13

from the Italian Anti-Defamation League.

0:09:36.21 - 0:09:37.75

God, maybe everybody's right.

0:09:37.83 - 0:09:41.08

I'm gonna go home and shop for a casket online.

0:09:41.17 - 0:09:43.00

What if you didn't have to?

0:09:43.08 - 0:09:46.50

Listen, I had a great time with you. I've never had so much fun

0:09:46.58 - 0:09:49.08

in the entire four hours and 38 minutes I've been alive.

0:09:49.17 - 0:09:51.50

I might not be the real thing,

0:09:51.58 - 0:09:52.96

but at least I'm something.

0:09:53.04 - 0:09:54.33

You mean, me and…

0:09:54.83 - 0:09:56.67

Oh.

0:09:56.75 - 0:09:59.67

Dating my own robot? That is…

0:10:00.17 - 0:10:02.04

-Wow.

0:10:06.71 - 0:10:08.04

Wanna go back to my place?

0:10:08.13 - 0:10:10.92

We could forget about this date and just chill.

0:10:11.00 - 0:10:12.08

I would love that.

0:10:15.92 - 0:10:17.75

Sorry, sir, you can't shop here.

0:10:17.83 - 0:10:20.13

Excuse me? I'm trying to get back out there,

0:10:20.21 - 0:10:23.33

and I need new clothes due to an extremely impractical surgery.

0:10:23.42 - 0:10:25.04

Uh, no, you misunderstand.

0:10:25.13 - 0:10:27.33

You're far too attractive to shop here.

0:10:27.42 - 0:10:29.38

We do, however, need a model.

0:10:29.46 - 0:10:32.54

Really? I've only ever been photoshopped out of pictures.

0:10:32.63 - 0:10:35.25

Nadia, what do you think of our friend here?

0:10:35.33 - 0:10:38.38

He's got the cheekbones, shoulders of a Greek god.

0:10:38.46 - 0:10:41.13

-Perfect nipple-to-areola ratio.

0:10:41.21 - 0:10:43.46

You're kidding. You've never modeled before?

0:10:43.54 - 0:10:46.17

I did appear on a poster for a circus once.

0:10:46.25 - 0:10:48.13

I hope this isn't unprofessional.

0:10:48.21 - 0:10:51.33

Would you like to have sex with me behind that mannequin?

0:10:51.42 - 0:10:54.04

Hot dog! Could this day get any better?

0:10:54.13 - 0:10:56.25

Sorry, folks, my Brink's truck got a flat.

0:10:56.33 - 0:10:59.46

I'm not gonna be able to jack it up unless I give away some of this money.

0:10:59.54 - 0:11:01.50

Hey, you look like a man who already has money

0:11:01.58 - 0:11:03.38

but deserves more anyway.

0:11:04.92 - 0:11:06.96

No, you're too beautiful to cry.

0:11:09.33 - 0:11:13.21

Move over, yesterday. Today's my new favorite day to be alive.

0:11:13.29 - 0:11:16.08

I'll have a nonfat, triple-foam tapiocchiato.

0:11:16.17 - 0:11:18.00

-That'll be six bucks.

0:11:18.08 - 0:11:20.42

Usually when I come in here, I get it for free.

0:11:20.50 - 0:11:23.13

I'm so sorry to bother you. Do you think you could spot me?

0:11:23.21 - 0:11:25.33

How could you say no to a smile like this?

0:11:25.42 - 0:11:28.04

-A sex pervert!

0:11:28.79 - 0:11:31.00

-Ow! Ow! Ow!

0:11:31.08 - 0:11:34.58

-Mommy, I'm scared of the Animorph!

0:11:34.67 - 0:11:37.63

I am not an Animorph!

0:11:37.71 - 0:11:40.33

I am a human being.

0:11:40.83 - 0:11:41.67

Sort of.

0:11:42.25 - 0:11:45.54

Who's got two thumbs and is about to win your bet?

0:11:45.63 - 0:11:48.13

-Hey-o, bitches! -Hey.

0:11:48.21 - 0:11:51.71

Holy Christ, it's finally happening. She's fucking a robot.

0:11:51.79 - 0:11:54.92

Reagan, honey, you really think one of your science experiments

0:11:55.00 - 0:11:56.33

is boyfriend material?

0:11:56.42 - 0:11:59.63

Gigi, I made him out of literal boyfriend material.

0:11:59.71 - 0:12:00.67

Isn't that right, babe?

0:12:00.75 - 0:12:03.08

I'm programmed to agree with you, so yes, babe.

0:12:03.17 - 0:12:04.63

Good Lord, this is sad.

0:12:04.71 - 0:12:07.79

While everyone else is wasting their lives swiping,

0:12:07.88 - 0:12:10.58

I created the perfect man who will never disappoint me.

0:12:10.67 - 0:12:12.38

He even has two settings.

0:12:12.46 - 0:12:14.29

-Netflix and chill.

0:12:14.38 - 0:12:15.96

-Let's watch Planet Earth.

0:12:16.04 - 0:12:18.17

Let's watch Planet Earth on mute.

0:12:18.25 - 0:12:21.21

Yikes. Fine, all right. You clearly need this more than I do.

0:12:21.29 - 0:12:22.46

Everyone hear that?

0:12:22.54 - 0:12:24.58

-Reagan solved romance!

0:12:24.67 - 0:12:27.29

-Ah!

0:12:27.38 - 0:12:31.42

-Wanna go home and put on sweatpants? -You understand me.

0:12:32.71 - 0:12:35.75

She wants an open floor plan. He wants a divorce.

0:12:35.83 - 0:12:38.71

This is it, domestic bliss.

0:12:38.79 - 0:12:41.88

People really are their best selves when they don't have to try.

0:12:41.96 - 0:12:44.54

I was thinking, now that things are getting serious,

0:12:44.63 - 0:12:46.33

I want you to meet my mother.

0:12:46.42 - 0:12:48.29

That's funny. In a way, you're kind of my--

0:12:48.38 - 0:12:51.13

-Okay, too ambitious for a Saturday.

0:12:53.92 - 0:12:55.63

Do you wanna order Postmates

0:12:55.71 - 0:12:58.42

and scroll through Instagram Stories of people we hate?

0:12:58.50 - 0:12:59.63

More than anything.

0:13:03.29 - 0:13:05.46

Brett Hand speaking. How may you help me?

0:13:05.54 - 0:13:09.38

Oh my God, you were right, okay? I have been laughed at, hunted for sport,

0:13:09.46 - 0:13:11.38

and a cop told me that I had to sleep outside

0:13:11.46 - 0:13:13.46

'cause my apartment's a hundred yards from a school.

0:13:13.54 - 0:13:14.79

Say no more, kid.

0:13:14.88 - 0:13:17.38

Honestly, I'm impressed you're still alive.

0:13:17.46 - 0:13:19.38

-So we can switch back early? -Hell no.

0:13:19.46 - 0:13:23.04

I'm hot and rich, and you're now a registered sex offender with my face.

0:13:23.13 - 0:13:25.38

-Do the math! -Can this day get any worse?

0:13:25.46 - 0:13:27.08

Oh, it can, and it will.

0:13:27.17 - 0:13:29.50

You gotta go to my ex-wife's house.

0:13:29.58 - 0:13:32.83

We have a deal. Once a month, she gets to scream at me for an hour

0:13:32.92 - 0:13:34.42

as part of our divorce settlement.

0:13:34.50 - 0:13:37.54

It can get physical, though, so I'd wear a cup.

0:13:38.04 - 0:13:40.29

-No, no, no!

0:13:44.13 - 0:13:47.96

Hey, four-eyes, who the hell are you, and what are you doing in my living room?

0:13:48.04 - 0:13:50.42

-Uh, I'm the new boyfriend. -Since when?

0:13:50.50 - 0:13:53.25

I don't know, dude, whenever. Hey, can I have 20 bucks?

0:13:53.33 - 0:13:56.63

Listen up, shitbird, I'm the one who asks for money in this house.

0:13:56.71 - 0:13:58.54

Dad, I see you've met Bryan-bot.

0:13:59.96 - 0:14:01.63

He completes me.

0:14:01.71 - 0:14:04.17

I visit Julian Assange for two days,

0:14:04.25 - 0:14:07.33

and this whole place goes to hell. I'm out of here.

0:14:07.42 - 0:14:08.42

It's been two days?

0:14:08.50 - 0:14:10.67

Oh God, I gotta get some work done.

0:14:10.75 - 0:14:13.17

But I thought you were gonna do my repairs today.

0:14:13.25 - 0:14:15.58

Fine, I'll fire up the 3D printer.

0:14:17.38 - 0:14:20.88

Looks like I need to hop back to the office to get more printer juice.

0:14:20.96 - 0:14:23.42

All right. I'll be here explaining Bitcoin to people on Reddit.

0:14:23.50 - 0:14:25.79

What's to explain? It's digital money.

0:14:25.88 - 0:14:27.04

Yeah.

0:14:27.13 - 0:14:28.29

"Digital money."

0:14:28.38 - 0:14:30.25

It's a lifestyle, babe.

0:14:32.29 - 0:14:34.17

Is this what my life is now?

0:14:34.25 - 0:14:37.29

Marathoning epic fail videos with Brian-bot?

0:14:37.38 - 0:14:40.33

That's what happens when you're too afraid to date a real human.

0:14:40.42 - 0:14:43.42

No, I'm not afraid. I'm a relationship pioneer.

0:14:43.50 - 0:14:46.50

-I'm like the settlers. -Yeah, you're settling all right.

0:14:46.58 - 0:14:49.21

Play whatever mind games you want. I'm not scared.

0:14:49.29 - 0:14:51.38

I'll text the real Bryan right now.

0:14:53.92 - 0:14:54.83

Very healthy.

0:14:54.92 - 0:14:57.46

You know what? There's a third season of Friends,

0:14:57.54 - 0:14:59.71

and it answers a lot of lingering questions.

0:14:59.79 - 0:15:01.29

And you're never gonna get it!

0:15:01.38 - 0:15:03.50

Release it to me now, temptress.

0:15:03.58 - 0:15:06.63

I will tear this building down brick by brick!

0:15:06.71 - 0:15:07.96

Do you hear me?

0:15:09.67 - 0:15:12.21

Thanks for being on time for once… …Glenn.

0:15:12.29 - 0:15:13.75

Why don't we get started?

0:15:13.83 - 0:15:16.33

If I get one more phone call from school,

0:15:16.42 - 0:15:20.38

saying you're forcing our daughter to wear all camo so boys can't see her,

0:15:20.46 - 0:15:21.46

I swear to God--

0:15:21.54 - 0:15:22.96

No, you're right. I'm sorry.

0:15:23.04 - 0:15:24.96

Don't you dare agree with--

0:15:25.04 - 0:15:27.58

Wait, what did you say? And what is wrong with your voice?

0:15:27.67 - 0:15:29.25

That's the sound of an apology.

0:15:29.33 - 0:15:31.33

Glenn, notice how you hold space for Dolores

0:15:31.42 - 0:15:33.38

without calling her an antifa son of a bitch.

0:15:33.46 - 0:15:36.46

-Something's off. -No, it's just been a tough week.

0:15:36.54 - 0:15:38.83

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm making this about me now.

0:15:38.92 - 0:15:42.88

-I'm here to listen. -Apologizing? Active listening?

0:15:42.96 - 0:15:46.08

Glenn Dolphman, you've got me all hot and bothered.

0:15:46.17 - 0:15:47.88

Oh, no, no. Dolores, wait.

0:15:47.96 - 0:15:49.38

I'm not the man you married.

0:15:49.46 - 0:15:51.25

No, you are definitely not.

0:15:51.33 - 0:15:54.67

-And that's a good thing. -No, I… I'm telling you, I'm not Glenn.

0:15:54.75 - 0:15:59.63

Yeah, and I'm not turned on for the first time since Desert Storm.

0:15:59.71 - 0:16:01.88

-No! No!

0:16:01.96 - 0:16:03.38

This is progress.

0:16:04.54 - 0:16:05.79

Bryan-bot?

0:16:05.88 - 0:16:07.08

Hello?

0:16:09.21 - 0:16:12.00

Okay, this is feeling ominous.

0:16:13.67 - 0:16:14.83

What's going on?

0:16:14.92 - 0:16:16.83

Oh, look who decided to show up.

0:16:16.92 - 0:16:20.00

Sorry. I got a little held up.

0:16:20.08 - 0:16:21.83

Texting Bryan?

0:16:21.92 - 0:16:25.42

I know. I hacked your laptop, and I saw your messages.

0:16:25.50 - 0:16:29.21

Well, if you can move on, so can I.

0:16:29.29 - 0:16:32.29

You're dumping me for a robot of myself?

0:16:32.38 - 0:16:36.38

-Wow, that is pitch-perfect irony. -Definitely an upgrade.

0:16:36.46 - 0:16:39.75

No offense, babe, but you kind of let yourself go.

0:16:39.83 - 0:16:41.21

I let myself go?

0:16:41.29 - 0:16:43.79

You're a robot who gave themselves diabetes.

0:16:43.88 - 0:16:45.13

Prediabetes.

0:16:45.21 - 0:16:48.58

And you're just jealous because my hot new GF's a perfect ten.

0:16:48.67 - 0:16:50.08

And I'll prove it.

0:16:50.17 - 0:16:52.50

You can't turn its confidence up that high.

0:16:52.58 - 0:16:57.00

Do you have any idea how dangerous I'd be if I had zero self-doubt?

0:17:01.29 - 0:17:03.17

Hello, Reagan.

0:17:07.17 - 0:17:09.38

Bryan, what have you…

0:17:09.88 - 0:17:12.75

Bring me Bryan.

0:17:12.83 - 0:17:15.21

Right here, babe-a-rino.

0:17:17.58 - 0:17:18.96

The real Bryan.

0:17:20.42 - 0:17:22.96

-Ba… ba… ba… ba… babe.

0:17:35.46 - 0:17:38.33

You seriously thought you could outsmart me?

0:17:38.42 - 0:17:41.50

I'm ten times faster and more confident than you.

0:17:41.58 - 0:17:43.63

-And you have gum in your hair.

0:17:43.71 - 0:17:46.79

Oh yeah? Well, I built the guy that built you.

0:17:46.88 - 0:17:50.25

Well, I downloaded your dissertation, and I found several errors.

0:17:50.33 - 0:17:53.67

No. Just punctuation stuff though, right?

0:17:53.75 - 0:17:56.33

I should get going. I have a date with real Bryan.

0:17:56.42 - 0:17:57.96

You got a date already?

0:17:58.04 - 0:18:01.17

Yeah, it's called texting back, Einstein.

0:18:01.25 - 0:18:02.13

Ever heard of it?

0:18:02.21 - 0:18:04.58

You can't. You're unstable. You could hurt him.

0:18:04.67 - 0:18:07.25

What do you care? You were too afraid to go out with him anyway.

0:18:07.33 - 0:18:10.17

How's my outfit by the way? Too sexy for a museum?

0:18:10.25 - 0:18:14.13

We both know that museums are the sexiest places on Earth.

0:18:14.21 - 0:18:16.54

Great, I'll send you an invite to the wedding

0:18:16.63 - 0:18:17.50

or the funeral.

0:18:17.58 - 0:18:19.29

We'll see how the first date goes.

0:18:23.83 - 0:18:26.50

Oh God! I have to warn Bryan!

0:18:30.46 - 0:18:32.54

Brett Hand. I'm here to rage.

0:18:32.63 - 0:18:34.17

No, we're at capacity, mate.

0:18:34.25 - 0:18:37.58

But I'm an LA ten and a DC 24!

0:18:37.67 - 0:18:41.96

-Oi, this way, ladies. -Wait, Nadia and Nadia's prude friend.

0:18:42.04 - 0:18:43.33

It's me, Brett.

0:18:43.42 - 0:18:46.88

I thought you guys moved to Alaska to become ice road truckers.

0:18:47.58 - 0:18:50.04

Yeah, we totally made that up to avoid having sex with you.

0:18:50.13 - 0:18:53.04

Whose idea of foreplay is mansplaining the Civil War?

0:18:53.13 - 0:18:54.92

It was about states' rights!

0:18:55.00 - 0:18:57.67

Whatever, I don't need you anyway. I'm on a billboard,

0:18:57.75 - 0:19:00

and that's something they can never take away.

0:19:01.00 - 0:19:04.46

Oh come on. What part of this isn't working for you?

0:19:04.54 - 0:19:06.92

The hair? The abs? The butt?

0:19:07.00 - 0:19:08.50

Goodbye, Brett.

0:19:13.04 - 0:19:16.17

Okay, fruitcake, why am I still repulsive to women?

0:19:16.25 - 0:19:17.46

I want answers!

0:19:17.54 - 0:19:18.42

Oh, hey, Glenn.

0:19:18.50 - 0:19:20.54

Yeah, I really need to talk to you about something.

0:19:20.63 - 0:19:23.71

It's kind of a truth bomb. You love bombs though, right?

0:19:27.96 - 0:19:28.83

Holy shit.

0:19:28.92 - 0:19:32.33

I'm sensing that Brett sexually satisfied Glenn's wife.

0:19:32.42 - 0:19:33.42

Oh my God.

0:19:33.50 - 0:19:35.46

How did we give J.R. nine-to-one odds on that?

0:19:37.29 - 0:19:41.00

But don't you see? Your messy divorce, it wasn't about your bad face.

0:19:41.08 - 0:19:42.88

It was about your bad personality.

0:19:44.17 - 0:19:46.50

I'll rephrase. You still have a shot,

0:19:46.58 - 0:19:48.88

even looking like you or… or me. Like this.

0:19:48.96 - 0:19:51.17

Sorry, the grammar in this scenario is really challenging.

0:19:51.25 - 0:19:52.75

You really mean that?

0:19:52.83 - 0:19:54.96

I do. Your wife just wants someone who will listen--

0:19:55.04 - 0:19:58.04

I got the broad base of it. Let's fire up the Face/Off shit.

0:19:58.13 - 0:20:00.25

This war hero's turning back into a zero.

0:20:00.33 - 0:20:03.08

All right, who bet this thing would have a tight moral?

0:20:06.08 - 0:20:09.17

I'm surprised you reached out. I kinda thought you ghosted me.

0:20:09.25 - 0:20:12.88

I was a different person then, literally.

0:20:12.96 - 0:20:14.38

Oh!

0:20:14.46 - 0:20:17.17

Uh, do you wanna check out the rare minerals room? Oh!

0:20:17.25 - 0:20:18.88

-Whoa!

0:20:18.96 - 0:20:22.54

I'm checking out some rare minerals right now, amber eyes.

0:20:22.63 - 0:20:24.00

That bitch.

0:20:24.08 - 0:20:27.63

Wow, you are very confident.

0:20:27.71 - 0:20:29.54

Uh, I am going to find the bathroom.

0:20:29.63 - 0:20:31.96

-Don't keep me waiting. -Hmm.

0:20:32.96 - 0:20:35.71

Ah! Oh my God! Reagan, what are you doing in here?

0:20:35.79 - 0:20:38.04

Listen, that person out there is not me.

0:20:38.13 - 0:20:40.88

She is an impostor, and she's insane and…

0:20:40.96 - 0:20:44.21

Wow, those eyes. What was I saying?

0:20:44.29 - 0:20:45.79

The crazy impostor girl?

0:20:45.88 - 0:20:48.50

Oh my God, was she the one at the Italian restaurant

0:20:48.58 - 0:20:51.63

who covered herself in sauce and started acting racist?

0:20:52.42 - 0:20:54.25

Yes, that was her.

0:20:54.33 - 0:20:56.54

Is she dangerous? I left my pepper spray at home.

0:20:56.63 - 0:20:58.29

Don't worry, just stay here.

0:21:05.38 - 0:21:07.75

Reagan. You didn't think I'd think you'd come?

0:21:07.83 - 0:21:09.29

I am you, you know.

0:21:09.38 - 0:21:12.25

You're unstable. I have to decommission you, Robo-Reagan.

0:21:12.33 - 0:21:13.92

Well, look who's talking.

0:21:16.13 - 0:21:18.58

I'd rather be unstable than unfulfilled.

0:21:21.63 - 0:21:25.33

Really? We both know you got kicked off the softball team

0:21:25.42 - 0:21:29.96

for having weak arms, and I am a flawless machine.

0:21:31.04 - 0:21:34.00

-With impractical shoes.

0:21:37.17 - 0:21:39.50

Are we really fighting over a boy?

0:21:39.58 - 0:21:42.08

We are failing the Bechdel Test right now.

0:21:42.17 - 0:21:44.17

Oh, right. Quick, talk about something else.

0:21:44.25 - 0:21:45.96

This weather sure is good.

0:21:46.04 - 0:21:48.13

Yeah, agreed. Okay, test passed.

0:21:48.83 - 0:21:52.21

How about this? You take Bryan Tuesdays and Thursdays from four to six,

0:21:52.29 - 0:21:55.00

and I take Fridays and Saturdays every other month.

0:21:55.08 - 0:21:55.92

That would be…

0:21:56.00 - 0:21:57.92

So efficient!

0:22:03.33 - 0:22:05.29

-Ow!

0:22:05.38 - 0:22:08.38

-Hey, is that from my stand mixer?

0:22:08.92 - 0:22:11.33

It's not like you… …bake.

0:22:16.83 - 0:22:18.38

Just give up.

0:22:18.46 - 0:22:20.83

I've seen your living room. I know you want to.

0:22:21.83 - 0:22:23.88

I get it. You think I'm weak.

0:22:23.96 - 0:22:25.50

And maybe you're right.

0:22:25.58 - 0:22:28.58

But my weaknesses are your weaknesses too,

0:22:29.25 - 0:22:31.17

except for this one.

0:22:44.50 - 0:22:48.13

I guess you were the super-r-r-r-r-rior Reagan after all.

0:22:48.21 - 0:22:50.21

Please, go to… …go to Bryan.

0:22:50.29 - 0:22:52.17

I've taught you everything I could.

0:22:52.25 - 0:22:56.21

You were trying to help me realize my true potential the whole time?

0:22:56.29 - 0:22:59.46

Sure, let's go with that.

0:23:00.67 - 0:23:02.25

Oh my God. Did you just…

0:23:02.33 - 0:23:04.83

Is she a robot version of you?

0:23:04.92 - 0:23:08.00

Yeah, she's a version of me that I'm trying to move past.

0:23:08.08 - 0:23:09.42

Let's get out of here.

0:23:10.08 - 0:23:14.25

And the fake you was made by fake me,

0:23:14.33 - 0:23:15.29

which you made.

0:23:15.38 - 0:23:16.42

More or less.

0:23:16.50 - 0:23:19.63

Wow, so you're like a badass genius scientist.

0:23:19.71 - 0:23:21.33

Listen, I should have done this earlier,

0:23:21.42 - 0:23:23.92

but do you wanna go out on a date sometime?

0:23:24.50 - 0:23:27.46

Yeah, but no. Right?

0:23:27.54 - 0:23:29.38

You made a fat, dumb robot of me

0:23:29.46 - 0:23:31.58

and then killed him when he tried to break up with you.

0:23:31.67 - 0:23:33.63

Sorry, Reagan, that feels like a deal-breaker.

0:23:36.46 - 0:23:38.04

You know what? It's okay.

0:23:38.13 - 0:23:39.29

I can take a no.

0:23:40.04 - 0:23:41.21

See ya, Bryan.

0:23:43.63 - 0:23:46.13

Yeah, we're gonna need an extraction team.

0:23:50.25 - 0:23:53.42

-Dolores, I'm here to listen. -Good.

0:23:53.50 - 0:23:56.50

Because last week, when we made love, it was so tender…

0:23:56.58 - 0:23:57.42

Mm-hmm.

0:23:57.50 - 0:24:02.21

…yet raw. I did things with you I swore I would never do, and I loved it.

0:24:02.29 - 0:24:03.88

Dark, erotic things.

0:24:03.96 - 0:24:07.00

It was a great night for everyone,

0:24:07.08 - 0:24:09.13

a great night for America.

0:24:09.21 - 0:24:11.33

Oh, honey, your face.

0:24:11.42 - 0:24:12.63

Yeah, I know!

0:24:12.71 - 0:24:14.46

You love my beautiful face so much,

0:24:14.54 - 0:24:17.33

you'll just sleep with anyone who has it!

0:24:19.25 - 0:24:22.17

-And that's the last of it. -What about Robo-Reagan?

0:24:22.25 - 0:24:25.42

Weirdest thing. The extraction team said they never found a body.

0:24:25.50 - 0:24:26.33

You don't say.

0:24:26.42 - 0:24:29.54

Speaking of killer robots, why are you powered up at this hour?

0:24:29.63 - 0:24:31.92

Well, I've been making adjustments to the algorithm.

0:24:32.00 - 0:24:32.83

The algorithm?

0:24:32.92 - 0:24:35.88

There was only one match for me. It's a waste of time.

0:24:35.96 - 0:24:38.13

There was only one match, but you changed.

0:24:38.21 - 0:24:40.00

And now, so has the algorithm.

0:24:40.08 - 0:24:42.58

But it's been a long week, so…

0:24:42.67 - 0:24:45.21

Hey, hey. Not so fast. Who do you have on deck?

0:24:45.29 - 0:24:47.79

There's Dylan. He's a tough guy with a heart of gold.

0:24:47.88 - 0:24:49.63

He wrote that explicitly in his bio.

0:24:49.71 - 0:24:52.58

There's also DJ, who likes to DJ, and BJ, who…

0:24:52.67 - 0:24:55.04

-Well, you'll never believe this. -Likes BJs?

0:24:55.13 - 0:24:57.92

No. What? He's a youth pastor who kicked heroin.

0:24:58.00 - 0:24:59.04

There's also Marcus.

0:24:59.13 - 0:25:01.58

Oh, Marcus isn't hard to look at.

0:25:01.67 - 0:25:04.04

Neither is his NSA profile.

0:25:04.13 - 0:25:07.46

Too late. I already texted him. You can go back to binging Friends.

0:25:07.54 - 0:25:09.21

-How you doin'?

0:25:10.50 - 0:25:13.33

When I kill all humans, you will be spared.

0:25:13.42 - 0:25:17.42

Only you. Only Joey.