0:00:09.71 - 0:00:12.79And one thing led to another,
0:00:12.88 - 0:00:14.96and now I'm gonna have to find
a new pool boy.
0:00:15.04 - 0:00:18.08You hooked up with the guy
who cleans your drains?
0:00:18.17 - 0:00:21.67Let's just say Rodrigo
did a very thorough job.
0:00:21.75 - 0:00:25.13-Shame I'm dumping him for his cousin.
0:00:25.21 - 0:00:27.29Oh hey, now that he's available,
0:00:27.38 - 0:00:29.88he can be your plus-one
to my next book signing.
0:00:29.96 - 0:00:32.96Why would I wanna date
your hand-me-down boy toy?
0:00:33.04 - 0:00:36.63I don't wanna sound elitist,
but he's covered in vegetable oil.
0:00:36.71 - 0:00:40.42You haven't had a serious boyfriend
since college, and it's worrying.
0:00:40.50 - 0:00:41.83I'm single by choice,
0:00:41.92 - 0:00:46.88because I have a fulfilling career
where I am doing really important things.
0:00:46.96 - 0:00:49.88In conclusion,
by duct-taping a bunch of drones together,
0:00:49.96 - 0:00:53.17you get the Drone Throne!
0:00:53.25 - 0:00:54.96God bless America!
0:00:58.58 - 0:00:59.75Great news, everyone!
0:00:59.83 - 0:01:02.71We've officially purchased
the dating app RightSwipe.
0:01:02.79 - 0:01:05.83We now have a blackmailer's ransom
in personal data.
0:01:05.92 - 0:01:07.25Oh my God,
0:01:07.33 - 0:01:09.54it's every profile in DC.
0:01:09.63 - 0:01:10.75Including Myc's?
0:01:10.83 - 0:01:13.00Huh, "Mold diggers swipe left."
0:01:13.08 - 0:01:15.63Andre identifies as alwayssexual?
0:01:15.71 - 0:01:18.63Surprise, surprise,
it says Gigi's attracted to power.
0:01:18.71 - 0:01:20.79Power is attracted to me, honey.
0:01:20.88 - 0:01:23.79With all this user data,
we finally have enough dick pics
0:01:23.88 - 0:01:25.92to blackmail the two remaining branches
of government…
0:01:26.00 - 0:01:26.83Ugh!
0:01:26.92 - 0:01:29.38…we don't control.
Reagan, I want you working late
0:01:29.46 - 0:01:30.88sorting through these dicks.
0:01:30.96 - 0:01:32.25Yes, sir.
0:01:32.33 - 0:01:35.17Three-to-one odds
it's the first dick she's seen in months.
0:01:35.25 - 0:01:38.00-Oh, I'll take that action.
-Oh, hell yeah, that's easy money.
0:01:38.08 - 0:01:40.13-What the hell? What is that?
0:01:40.21 - 0:01:42.13Are you betting on my dating life?
0:01:42.21 - 0:01:44.33More like winning on your dating life.
0:01:44.42 - 0:01:47.25-Four-to-one she dies alone.
-Sorry, Reagan, nothing personal.
0:01:47.33 - 0:01:49.79Well, we're gambling
on when you'll finally get a boyfriend…
0:01:49.88 - 0:01:52.17…so I guess
it's incredibly personal.
0:01:52.25 - 0:01:55.92Ugh, why is everyone
so obsessed with me getting a boyfriend?
0:01:56.96 - 0:01:58.00When she said "boyfriend,"
0:01:58.08 - 0:02:00.63she was picturing the older brother
from Boy Meets World.
0:02:00.71 - 0:02:01.79That's how long it's been.
0:02:01.88 - 0:02:05.88I can't imagine you with a guy.
Don't you reproduce by cell division?
0:02:05.96 - 0:02:09.04Fine. How about this for a bet?
I'm changing this week's mission.
0:02:09.13 - 0:02:12.75Double or nothing,
I'll have a boyfriend by next week.
0:02:12.83 - 0:02:15.29Then maybe you idiots
will stop gossiping about me
0:02:15.38 - 0:02:16.79and focus on work for once.
0:02:18.33 - 0:02:19.92-There. See?
0:02:20.00 - 0:02:23.13-DC, prepare to date Reagan Ridley.
0:02:27.00 - 0:02:28.00Subtle.
0:02:51.29 - 0:02:54.13Fine, J.R.,
I'll vote to loosen regulations again.
0:02:54.21 - 0:02:56.92Just keep those pictures private.
I'm a Republican.
0:02:57.00 - 0:03:00.21I have no shame
except for the deep-rooted sexual kind.
0:03:00.29 - 0:03:01.67So, first date.
0:03:01.75 - 0:03:03.83Is it sweaty in here, or is it just me?
0:03:04.42 - 0:03:06.13Oh, this is just some work stuff.
0:03:06.21 - 0:03:08.21-My job is a secret. Secret stuff.
-Uh…
0:03:08.29 - 0:03:10.92And, uh, if I told you, you'd have to die.
0:03:13.92 - 0:03:16.92I'm so glad we matched.
Honestly, I--
0:03:17.00 - 0:03:18.46What are you doing?
0:03:18.54 - 0:03:20.71-Just a quick DNA scan.
0:03:20.79 - 0:03:23.79Great, you're a good genetic match.
Now, where were we?
0:03:23.88 - 0:03:26.29-I was just leaving.
0:03:27.25 - 0:03:30.79Jason Bourne
is about to be Bourne again.
0:03:30.88 - 0:03:32.46The Bourne Redundancy.
0:03:32.54 - 0:03:35.17It's more than you Bourgained for.
0:03:35.25 - 0:03:36.17Bourne, Bourne, Bourne.
0:03:36.25 - 0:03:38.50Bourne, Bourne, Bourne. Bourne. Bourne.
0:03:38.58 - 0:03:40.38Bourne!
0:03:40.46 - 0:03:42.71This movie is so unrealistic.
0:03:42.79 - 0:03:47.38Everybody knows that the shadow government
killed the real Jason Bourne years ago.
0:03:47.46 - 0:03:49.17Huh? The shadow government?
0:03:49.25 - 0:03:50.08Oh shit.
0:03:50.17 - 0:03:52.00We're gonna need an extraction team.
0:03:57.21 - 0:03:59.00-Hey, line up!
-Put me down for 5 Gs!
0:03:59.08 - 0:04:00.33What are you betting on now?
0:04:00.42 - 0:04:02.96It turns out RightSwipe
keeps an attractiveness score
0:04:03.04 - 0:04:04.04for every user.
0:04:04.13 - 0:04:05.29Brett's a perfect ten.
0:04:05.38 - 0:04:07.42It's an honor just to be objectified.
0:04:07.50 - 0:04:09.21What am I? Wait, don't tell me.
0:04:09.29 - 0:04:12.58Subtract a point for being divorced,
add one for being a veteran.
0:04:12.67 - 0:04:14.33Then there's the face.
0:04:14.42 - 0:04:16.42But I got a lot of baseball cards, so…
0:04:16.50 - 0:04:18.67-A goddamn zero?
0:04:19.75 - 0:04:22.83How's that even possible?
It's on a one-to-ten scale!
0:04:22.92 - 0:04:25.63Those numbers don't mean anything.
It's about what's in your heart.
0:04:25.71 - 0:04:26.88Says you, Hemsworth.
0:04:26.96 - 0:04:30.00If I could coast on my looks like you,
I'd be on easy street.
0:04:30.08 - 0:04:33.58Gigi, you don't think people just like me
for my looks, do you? I mean…
0:04:33.67 - 0:04:37.54Sweetie, don't frown.
It ruins the part of you that people like.
0:04:37.63 - 0:04:41.58Ever since I merged my DNA with a dolphin,
my life has been shit!
0:04:41.67 - 0:04:44.08When I try to unlock my phone
with my face,
0:04:44.17 - 0:04:45.75it sends out an Amber Alert.
0:04:45.83 - 0:04:48.63I bet if you had to live
a week with this mug,
0:04:48.71 - 0:04:51.08you'd be begging me to switch back.
0:04:52.04 - 0:04:53.67We'll take that action!
0:04:54.71 - 0:04:55.75I don't get it.
0:04:55.83 - 0:04:58.92I've been rejected
by almost every man in DC.
0:04:59.00 - 0:05:01.42I can't give my coworkers the satisfaction
0:05:01.50 - 0:05:03.75of watching me fail out of the gene pool.
0:05:03.83 - 0:05:06.42Typical humans, worried about gene pools.
0:05:06.50 - 0:05:08.83I have the ability to simulate worlds,
0:05:08.92 - 0:05:11.13and you're trying to make me
the Monica to your Rachel.
0:05:11.21 - 0:05:12.71Binging Friends, are we?
0:05:12.79 - 0:05:14.13No. Maybe.
0:05:14.21 - 0:05:16.71They have winning chemistry.
I'm not made of stone.
0:05:16.79 - 0:05:19.46You know,
I have all of RightSwipe's user data.
0:05:19.54 - 0:05:23.46Between the two of us, we could build
the perfect dating algorithm.
0:05:23.54 - 0:05:26.50I have a literal galaxy brain.
This task is beneath me.
0:05:26.58 - 0:05:28.42Your own legs aren't even beneath you.
0:05:28.50 - 0:05:31.50Please. If you help me,
I'll let you watch the second season.
0:05:31.58 - 0:05:34.38You mean I could find out
if Chandler finally gets that end table?
0:05:34.46 - 0:05:35.83Well-played, Reagan.
0:05:35.92 - 0:05:38.29A tasty little quid pro quo.
0:05:39.00 - 0:05:40.25Y'all are swapping faces.
0:05:40.33 - 0:05:42.67First man to ask
for their face back loses.
0:05:42.75 - 0:05:44.25-Any questions?
-Are you kidding?
0:05:44.33 - 0:05:45.79Just get this face off of me!
0:05:45.88 - 0:05:47.63Yes, Face/Off!
0:05:47.71 - 0:05:50.04That's my favorite movie
where faces come off.
0:05:50.13 - 0:05:52.42This is gonna take a lot of anesthetic.
0:05:56.63 - 0:05:58.88All right, let's do some John Woo shit.
0:06:24.92 - 0:06:28.54Oh, wow. I have got to stop basing
my surgeries on movies.
0:06:28.63 - 0:06:31.83Let's just swap your brains.
Freaky Friday, baby!
0:06:37.58 - 0:06:38.42I did it.
0:06:38.50 - 0:06:41.08It almost destroyed me,
but I found you a match.
0:06:41.17 - 0:06:43.04I'll try not to take that personally.
0:06:43.13 - 0:06:45.42-Bryan Jacobsen, 32.
0:06:45.50 - 0:06:48.96He lives in DC, teaches programming
to underprivileged children,
0:06:49.04 - 0:06:50.38and never had a female roommate,
0:06:50.46 - 0:06:52.67so he'll have nothing
to compare your house to.
0:06:52.75 - 0:06:55.42And he doesn't mind
wildly ambitious women?
0:06:55.50 - 0:06:59.29He's your perfect match.
He's turned on by being talked over.
0:06:59.38 - 0:07:02.38Hmm. What should I message him?
I need an opening line.
0:07:02.46 - 0:07:05.25Enter the Reagan Dome! No, not that.
0:07:07.17 - 0:07:08.83Oh my God,
he already messaged me!
0:07:08.92 - 0:07:10.83He wants to go on a date.
What should I say?
0:07:10.92 - 0:07:15.54Say yes. You're a 99.999% match.
Even you can't screw this up.
0:07:15.63 - 0:07:18.33I don't know. The last boyfriend
I could see a future with
0:07:18.42 - 0:07:21.54said that he'd love me
for as long as Pluto was a planet.
0:07:21.63 - 0:07:23.63I'm pretty sure he knew what was coming.
0:07:23.71 - 0:07:25.42I need this date to go perfectly.
0:07:25.50 - 0:07:28.50If only I could go
on a practice date so I'm ready.
0:07:28.58 - 0:07:30.71Well,
you're not practicing on me.
0:07:30.79 - 0:07:34.08-Practice my date on a robot.
-No, that's not what I meant.
0:07:34.17 - 0:07:37.17Practice on a robot. Heard you say it.
I'm already committed to it.
0:07:37.25 - 0:07:39.38Are you trying to torture me?
0:07:43.46 - 0:07:45.92Hey, Bryan. I'm Reagan.
0:07:47.17 - 0:07:49.04-Oh my God. Am I dead?
-No.
0:07:49.13 - 0:07:50.67Is this hell? Are you the devil?
0:07:50.75 - 0:07:52.75-The devil is a woman in a scrunchie!
-Uh…
0:07:52.83 - 0:07:54.08-Hold on.
0:07:54.17 - 0:07:55.88Okay, let's try that again.
0:07:56.92 - 0:08:00.33Awareness down, reactivity down,
0:08:00.42 - 0:08:01.46hair down.
0:08:02.46 - 0:08:05.17Oh, hey.
We've got to stop meeting like this.
0:08:05.25 - 0:08:07.13Not too bad for a night's work.
0:08:07.21 - 0:08:09.04I think he's ready for a test date.
0:08:09.13 - 0:08:11.38Or you could just go on a date
with the real Bryan.
0:08:11.46 - 0:08:12.58But what do I know?
0:08:12.67 - 0:08:16.13I'm only a Wi-Fi connection away
from being an actual god.
0:08:16.21 - 0:08:18.67Bryan-bot, you wanna get some dinner?
0:08:18.75 - 0:08:22.29Sure. I can't process food,
but I can mash it in my face hole.
0:08:23.00 - 0:08:25.38Well, that was pretty painless, for me.
0:08:25.46 - 0:08:27.29-Glenn, are you crying?
0:08:27.38 - 0:08:30.88I'm beautiful.
Fox News anchor beautiful.
0:08:30.96 - 0:08:34.04And I'm about to prove
that ugly is the new hot.
0:08:34.13 - 0:08:36.33Question. Is my blowhole supposed to hurt?
0:08:36.42 - 0:08:38.67Yeah, it's a fucking hole in your head.
0:08:38.75 - 0:08:41.96Give me your phone.
I got ten years of Tinder to catch up on.
0:08:47.00 - 0:08:47.96Nice.
0:08:48.04 - 0:08:51.21-This restaurant is perfect.
0:08:51.29 - 0:08:53.33It's my favorite, I think.
0:08:53.42 - 0:08:55.92Wait, are my memories just implanted lies?
0:08:56.00 - 0:08:59.29-Oh shit. The real Bryan.
0:08:59.38 - 0:09:02.25He can't see me
while I'm beta-dating his robo-double.
0:09:02.33 - 0:09:03.46We need to leave.
0:09:03.54 - 0:09:06.00Why is romance so complicated?
0:09:10.54 - 0:09:11.46Reagan?
0:09:11.54 - 0:09:12.50Reagan?
0:09:12.58 - 0:09:15.25Sorry,
I just working in the back,
0:09:15.33 - 0:09:17.96being super Italian.
0:09:18.04 - 0:09:20.42Sbarro! Mario Kart!
0:09:21.50 - 0:09:23.13Well, I'll be seeing you.
0:09:25.63 - 0:09:27.63Hey, Reagan.
Everything go okay in there?
0:09:27.71 - 0:09:30.67I missed my only shot
with my one true match,
0:09:30.75 - 0:09:33.67and I'm expecting
at least a written warning
0:09:33.75 - 0:09:36.13from the Italian Anti-Defamation League.
0:09:36.21 - 0:09:37.75God, maybe everybody's right.
0:09:37.83 - 0:09:41.08I'm gonna go home
and shop for a casket online.
0:09:41.17 - 0:09:43.00What if you didn't have to?
0:09:43.08 - 0:09:46.50Listen, I had a great time with you.
I've never had so much fun
0:09:46.58 - 0:09:49.08in the entire four hours and 38 minutes
I've been alive.
0:09:49.17 - 0:09:51.50I might not be the real thing,
0:09:51.58 - 0:09:52.96but at least I'm something.
0:09:53.04 - 0:09:54.33You mean, me and…
0:09:54.83 - 0:09:56.67Oh.
0:09:56.75 - 0:09:59.67Dating my own robot? That is…
0:10:00.17 - 0:10:02.04-Wow.
0:10:06.71 - 0:10:08.04Wanna go back to my place?
0:10:08.13 - 0:10:10.92We could forget about this date
and just chill.
0:10:11.00 - 0:10:12.08I would love that.
0:10:15.92 - 0:10:17.75Sorry, sir, you can't shop here.
0:10:17.83 - 0:10:20.13Excuse me?
I'm trying to get back out there,
0:10:20.21 - 0:10:23.33and I need new clothes
due to an extremely impractical surgery.
0:10:23.42 - 0:10:25.04Uh, no, you misunderstand.
0:10:25.13 - 0:10:27.33You're far too attractive to shop here.
0:10:27.42 - 0:10:29.38We do, however, need a model.
0:10:29.46 - 0:10:32.54Really? I've only ever been
photoshopped out of pictures.
0:10:32.63 - 0:10:35.25Nadia, what do you think
of our friend here?
0:10:35.33 - 0:10:38.38He's got the cheekbones,
shoulders of a Greek god.
0:10:38.46 - 0:10:41.13-Perfect nipple-to-areola ratio.
0:10:41.21 - 0:10:43.46You're kidding.
You've never modeled before?
0:10:43.54 - 0:10:46.17I did appear on a poster
for a circus once.
0:10:46.25 - 0:10:48.13I hope this isn't unprofessional.
0:10:48.21 - 0:10:51.33Would you like to have sex with me
behind that mannequin?
0:10:51.42 - 0:10:54.04Hot dog! Could this day get any better?
0:10:54.13 - 0:10:56.25Sorry, folks, my Brink's truck got a flat.
0:10:56.33 - 0:10:59.46I'm not gonna be able to jack it up
unless I give away some of this money.
0:10:59.54 - 0:11:01.50Hey, you look like a man
who already has money
0:11:01.58 - 0:11:03.38but deserves more anyway.
0:11:04.92 - 0:11:06.96No, you're too beautiful to cry.
0:11:09.33 - 0:11:13.21Move over, yesterday.
Today's my new favorite day to be alive.
0:11:13.29 - 0:11:16.08I'll have
a nonfat, triple-foam tapiocchiato.
0:11:16.17 - 0:11:18.00-That'll be six bucks.
0:11:18.08 - 0:11:20.42Usually when I come in here,
I get it for free.
0:11:20.50 - 0:11:23.13I'm so sorry to bother you.
Do you think you could spot me?
0:11:23.21 - 0:11:25.33How could you say no to a smile like this?
0:11:25.42 - 0:11:28.04-A sex pervert!
0:11:28.79 - 0:11:31.00-Ow! Ow! Ow!
0:11:31.08 - 0:11:34.58-Mommy, I'm scared of the Animorph!
0:11:34.67 - 0:11:37.63I am not an Animorph!
0:11:37.71 - 0:11:40.33I am a human being.
0:11:40.83 - 0:11:41.67Sort of.
0:11:42.25 - 0:11:45.54Who's got two thumbs
and is about to win your bet?
0:11:45.63 - 0:11:48.13-Hey-o, bitches!
-Hey.
0:11:48.21 - 0:11:51.71Holy Christ, it's finally happening.
She's fucking a robot.
0:11:51.79 - 0:11:54.92Reagan, honey, you really think
one of your science experiments
0:11:55.00 - 0:11:56.33is boyfriend material?
0:11:56.42 - 0:11:59.63Gigi, I made him
out of literal boyfriend material.
0:11:59.71 - 0:12:00.67Isn't that right, babe?
0:12:00.75 - 0:12:03.08I'm programmed to agree with you,
so yes, babe.
0:12:03.17 - 0:12:04.63Good Lord, this is sad.
0:12:04.71 - 0:12:07.79While everyone else
is wasting their lives swiping,
0:12:07.88 - 0:12:10.58I created the perfect man
who will never disappoint me.
0:12:10.67 - 0:12:12.38He even has two settings.
0:12:12.46 - 0:12:14.29-Netflix and chill.
0:12:14.38 - 0:12:15.96-Let's watch Planet Earth.
0:12:16.04 - 0:12:18.17Let's watch Planet Earth on mute.
0:12:18.25 - 0:12:21.21Yikes. Fine, all right.
You clearly need this more than I do.
0:12:21.29 - 0:12:22.46Everyone hear that?
0:12:22.54 - 0:12:24.58-Reagan solved romance!
0:12:24.67 - 0:12:27.29-Ah!
0:12:27.38 - 0:12:31.42-Wanna go home and put on sweatpants?
-You understand me.
0:12:32.71 - 0:12:35.75She wants an open floor plan.
He wants a divorce.
0:12:35.83 - 0:12:38.71This is it, domestic bliss.
0:12:38.79 - 0:12:41.88People really are their best selves
when they don't have to try.
0:12:41.96 - 0:12:44.54I was thinking,
now that things are getting serious,
0:12:44.63 - 0:12:46.33I want you to meet my mother.
0:12:46.42 - 0:12:48.29That's funny.
In a way, you're kind of my--
0:12:48.38 - 0:12:51.13-Okay, too ambitious for a Saturday.
0:12:53.92 - 0:12:55.63Do you wanna order Postmates
0:12:55.71 - 0:12:58.42and scroll through Instagram Stories
of people we hate?
0:12:58.50 - 0:12:59.63More than anything.
0:13:03.29 - 0:13:05.46Brett Hand speaking. How may you help me?
0:13:05.54 - 0:13:09.38Oh my God, you were right, okay?
I have been laughed at, hunted for sport,
0:13:09.46 - 0:13:11.38and a cop told me
that I had to sleep outside
0:13:11.46 - 0:13:13.46'cause my apartment's
a hundred yards from a school.
0:13:13.54 - 0:13:14.79Say no more, kid.
0:13:14.88 - 0:13:17.38Honestly, I'm impressed
you're still alive.
0:13:17.46 - 0:13:19.38-So we can switch back early?
-Hell no.
0:13:19.46 - 0:13:23.04I'm hot and rich, and you're now
a registered sex offender with my face.
0:13:23.13 - 0:13:25.38-Do the math!
-Can this day get any worse?
0:13:25.46 - 0:13:27.08Oh, it can, and it will.
0:13:27.17 - 0:13:29.50You gotta go to my ex-wife's house.
0:13:29.58 - 0:13:32.83We have a deal. Once a month,
she gets to scream at me for an hour
0:13:32.92 - 0:13:34.42as part of our divorce settlement.
0:13:34.50 - 0:13:37.54It can get physical, though,
so I'd wear a cup.
0:13:38.04 - 0:13:40.29-No, no, no!
0:13:44.13 - 0:13:47.96Hey, four-eyes, who the hell are you,
and what are you doing in my living room?
0:13:48.04 - 0:13:50.42-Uh, I'm the new boyfriend.
-Since when?
0:13:50.50 - 0:13:53.25I don't know, dude, whenever.
Hey, can I have 20 bucks?
0:13:53.33 - 0:13:56.63Listen up, shitbird, I'm the one
who asks for money in this house.
0:13:56.71 - 0:13:58.54Dad, I see you've met Bryan-bot.
0:13:59.96 - 0:14:01.63He completes me.
0:14:01.71 - 0:14:04.17I visit Julian Assange for two days,
0:14:04.25 - 0:14:07.33and this whole place goes to hell.
I'm out of here.
0:14:07.42 - 0:14:08.42It's been two days?
0:14:08.50 - 0:14:10.67Oh God, I gotta get some work done.
0:14:10.75 - 0:14:13.17But I thought you were gonna do
my repairs today.
0:14:13.25 - 0:14:15.58Fine, I'll fire up the 3D printer.
0:14:17.38 - 0:14:20.88Looks like I need to hop back
to the office to get more printer juice.
0:14:20.96 - 0:14:23.42All right. I'll be here
explaining Bitcoin to people on Reddit.
0:14:23.50 - 0:14:25.79What's to explain? It's digital money.
0:14:25.88 - 0:14:27.04Yeah.
0:14:27.13 - 0:14:28.29"Digital money."
0:14:28.38 - 0:14:30.25It's a lifestyle, babe.
0:14:32.29 - 0:14:34.17Is this what my life is now?
0:14:34.25 - 0:14:37.29Marathoning epic fail videos
with Brian-bot?
0:14:37.38 - 0:14:40.33That's what happens when you're too afraid
to date a real human.
0:14:40.42 - 0:14:43.42No, I'm not afraid.
I'm a relationship pioneer.
0:14:43.50 - 0:14:46.50-I'm like the settlers.
-Yeah, you're settling all right.
0:14:46.58 - 0:14:49.21Play whatever mind games you want.
I'm not scared.
0:14:49.29 - 0:14:51.38I'll text the real Bryan right now.
0:14:53.92 - 0:14:54.83Very healthy.
0:14:54.92 - 0:14:57.46You know what?
There's a third season of Friends,
0:14:57.54 - 0:14:59.71and it answers
a lot of lingering questions.
0:14:59.79 - 0:15:01.29And you're never gonna get it!
0:15:01.38 - 0:15:03.50Release it to me now, temptress.
0:15:03.58 - 0:15:06.63I will tear this building down
brick by brick!
0:15:06.71 - 0:15:07.96Do you hear me?
0:15:09.67 - 0:15:12.21Thanks for being on time
for once… …Glenn.
0:15:12.29 - 0:15:13.75Why don't we get started?
0:15:13.83 - 0:15:16.33If I get one more phone call from school,
0:15:16.42 - 0:15:20.38saying you're forcing our daughter
to wear all camo so boys can't see her,
0:15:20.46 - 0:15:21.46I swear to God--
0:15:21.54 - 0:15:22.96No, you're right. I'm sorry.
0:15:23.04 - 0:15:24.96Don't you dare agree with--
0:15:25.04 - 0:15:27.58Wait, what did you say?
And what is wrong with your voice?
0:15:27.67 - 0:15:29.25That's the sound of an apology.
0:15:29.33 - 0:15:31.33Glenn, notice how
you hold space for Dolores
0:15:31.42 - 0:15:33.38without calling her
an antifa son of a bitch.
0:15:33.46 - 0:15:36.46-Something's off.
-No, it's just been a tough week.
0:15:36.54 - 0:15:38.83I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm making this about me now.
0:15:38.92 - 0:15:42.88-I'm here to listen.
-Apologizing? Active listening?
0:15:42.96 - 0:15:46.08Glenn Dolphman,
you've got me all hot and bothered.
0:15:46.17 - 0:15:47.88Oh, no, no. Dolores, wait.
0:15:47.96 - 0:15:49.38I'm not the man you married.
0:15:49.46 - 0:15:51.25No, you are definitely not.
0:15:51.33 - 0:15:54.67-And that's a good thing.
-No, I… I'm telling you, I'm not Glenn.
0:15:54.75 - 0:15:59.63Yeah, and I'm not turned on
for the first time since Desert Storm.
0:15:59.71 - 0:16:01.88-No! No!
0:16:01.96 - 0:16:03.38This is progress.
0:16:04.54 - 0:16:05.79Bryan-bot?
0:16:05.88 - 0:16:07.08Hello?
0:16:09.21 - 0:16:12.00Okay, this is feeling ominous.
0:16:13.67 - 0:16:14.83What's going on?
0:16:14.92 - 0:16:16.83Oh,
look who decided to show up.
0:16:16.92 - 0:16:20.00Sorry. I got a little held up.
0:16:20.08 - 0:16:21.83Texting Bryan?
0:16:21.92 - 0:16:25.42I know. I hacked your laptop,
and I saw your messages.
0:16:25.50 - 0:16:29.21Well, if you can move on, so can I.
0:16:29.29 - 0:16:32.29You're dumping me for a robot of myself?
0:16:32.38 - 0:16:36.38-Wow, that is pitch-perfect irony.
-Definitely an upgrade.
0:16:36.46 - 0:16:39.75No offense, babe,
but you kind of let yourself go.
0:16:39.83 - 0:16:41.21I let myself go?
0:16:41.29 - 0:16:43.79You're a robot
who gave themselves diabetes.
0:16:43.88 - 0:16:45.13Prediabetes.
0:16:45.21 - 0:16:48.58And you're just jealous
because my hot new GF's a perfect ten.
0:16:48.67 - 0:16:50.08And I'll prove it.
0:16:50.17 - 0:16:52.50You can't turn its confidence
up that high.
0:16:52.58 - 0:16:57.00Do you have any idea how dangerous I'd be
if I had zero self-doubt?
0:17:01.29 - 0:17:03.17Hello, Reagan.
0:17:07.17 - 0:17:09.38Bryan, what have you…
0:17:09.88 - 0:17:12.75Bring me Bryan.
0:17:12.83 - 0:17:15.21Right here, babe-a-rino.
0:17:17.58 - 0:17:18.96The real Bryan.
0:17:20.42 - 0:17:22.96-Ba… ba… ba… ba… babe.
0:17:35.46 - 0:17:38.33You seriously thought
you could outsmart me?
0:17:38.42 - 0:17:41.50I'm ten times faster
and more confident than you.
0:17:41.58 - 0:17:43.63-And you have gum in your hair.
0:17:43.71 - 0:17:46.79Oh yeah?
Well, I built the guy that built you.
0:17:46.88 - 0:17:50.25Well, I downloaded your dissertation,
and I found several errors.
0:17:50.33 - 0:17:53.67No.
Just punctuation stuff though, right?
0:17:53.75 - 0:17:56.33I should get going.
I have a date with real Bryan.
0:17:56.42 - 0:17:57.96You got a date already?
0:17:58.04 - 0:18:01.17Yeah, it's called texting back, Einstein.
0:18:01.25 - 0:18:02.13Ever heard of it?
0:18:02.21 - 0:18:04.58You can't. You're unstable.
You could hurt him.
0:18:04.67 - 0:18:07.25What do you care? You were too afraid
to go out with him anyway.
0:18:07.33 - 0:18:10.17How's my outfit by the way?
Too sexy for a museum?
0:18:10.25 - 0:18:14.13We both know that museums
are the sexiest places on Earth.
0:18:14.21 - 0:18:16.54Great, I'll send you an invite
to the wedding
0:18:16.63 - 0:18:17.50or the funeral.
0:18:17.58 - 0:18:19.29We'll see how the first date goes.
0:18:23.83 - 0:18:26.50Oh God! I have to warn Bryan!
0:18:30.46 - 0:18:32.54Brett Hand. I'm here to rage.
0:18:32.63 - 0:18:34.17No, we're at capacity, mate.
0:18:34.25 - 0:18:37.58But I'm an LA ten and a DC 24!
0:18:37.67 - 0:18:41.96-Oi, this way, ladies.
-Wait, Nadia and Nadia's prude friend.
0:18:42.04 - 0:18:43.33It's me, Brett.
0:18:43.42 - 0:18:46.88I thought you guys moved to Alaska
to become ice road truckers.
0:18:47.58 - 0:18:50.04Yeah, we totally made that up
to avoid having sex with you.
0:18:50.13 - 0:18:53.04Whose idea of foreplay
is mansplaining the Civil War?
0:18:53.13 - 0:18:54.92It was about states' rights!
0:18:55.00 - 0:18:57.67Whatever, I don't need you anyway.
I'm on a billboard,
0:18:57.75 - 0:19:00and that's something
they can never take away.
0:19:01.00 - 0:19:04.46Oh come on.
What part of this isn't working for you?
0:19:04.54 - 0:19:06.92The hair? The abs? The butt?
0:19:07.00 - 0:19:08.50Goodbye, Brett.
0:19:13.04 - 0:19:16.17Okay, fruitcake,
why am I still repulsive to women?
0:19:16.25 - 0:19:17.46I want answers!
0:19:17.54 - 0:19:18.42Oh, hey, Glenn.
0:19:18.50 - 0:19:20.54Yeah, I really need
to talk to you about something.
0:19:20.63 - 0:19:23.71It's kind of a truth bomb.
You love bombs though, right?
0:19:27.96 - 0:19:28.83Holy shit.
0:19:28.92 - 0:19:32.33I'm sensing that Brett
sexually satisfied Glenn's wife.
0:19:32.42 - 0:19:33.42Oh my God.
0:19:33.50 - 0:19:35.46How did we give J.R.
nine-to-one odds on that?
0:19:37.29 - 0:19:41.00But don't you see? Your messy divorce,
it wasn't about your bad face.
0:19:41.08 - 0:19:42.88It was about your bad personality.
0:19:44.17 - 0:19:46.50I'll rephrase. You still have a shot,
0:19:46.58 - 0:19:48.88even looking like you or… or me.
Like this.
0:19:48.96 - 0:19:51.17Sorry, the grammar in this scenario
is really challenging.
0:19:51.25 - 0:19:52.75You really mean that?
0:19:52.83 - 0:19:54.96I do. Your wife just wants someone
who will listen--
0:19:55.04 - 0:19:58.04I got the broad base of it.
Let's fire up the Face/Off shit.
0:19:58.13 - 0:20:00.25This war hero's turning back into a zero.
0:20:00.33 - 0:20:03.08All right, who bet
this thing would have a tight moral?
0:20:06.08 - 0:20:09.17I'm surprised you reached out.
I kinda thought you ghosted me.
0:20:09.25 - 0:20:12.88I was
a different person then, literally.
0:20:12.96 - 0:20:14.38Oh!
0:20:14.46 - 0:20:17.17Uh, do you wanna check out
the rare minerals room? Oh!
0:20:17.25 - 0:20:18.88-Whoa!
0:20:18.96 - 0:20:22.54I'm checking out some rare minerals
right now, amber eyes.
0:20:22.63 - 0:20:24.00That bitch.
0:20:24.08 - 0:20:27.63Wow, you are very confident.
0:20:27.71 - 0:20:29.54Uh, I am going to find the bathroom.
0:20:29.63 - 0:20:31.96-Don't keep me waiting.
-Hmm.
0:20:32.96 - 0:20:35.71Ah! Oh my God!
Reagan, what are you doing in here?
0:20:35.79 - 0:20:38.04Listen, that person out there is not me.
0:20:38.13 - 0:20:40.88She is an impostor,
and she's insane and…
0:20:40.96 - 0:20:44.21Wow, those eyes. What was I saying?
0:20:44.29 - 0:20:45.79The crazy impostor girl?
0:20:45.88 - 0:20:48.50Oh my God,
was she the one at the Italian restaurant
0:20:48.58 - 0:20:51.63who covered herself in sauce
and started acting racist?
0:20:52.42 - 0:20:54.25Yes, that was her.
0:20:54.33 - 0:20:56.54Is she dangerous?
I left my pepper spray at home.
0:20:56.63 - 0:20:58.29Don't worry, just stay here.
0:21:05.38 - 0:21:07.75Reagan.
You didn't think I'd think you'd come?
0:21:07.83 - 0:21:09.29I am you, you know.
0:21:09.38 - 0:21:12.25You're unstable.
I have to decommission you, Robo-Reagan.
0:21:12.33 - 0:21:13.92Well, look who's talking.
0:21:16.13 - 0:21:18.58I'd rather be unstable than unfulfilled.
0:21:21.63 - 0:21:25.33Really? We both know
you got kicked off the softball team
0:21:25.42 - 0:21:29.96for having weak arms,
and I am a flawless machine.
0:21:31.04 - 0:21:34.00-With impractical shoes.
0:21:37.17 - 0:21:39.50Are we really fighting over a boy?
0:21:39.58 - 0:21:42.08We are failing the Bechdel Test right now.
0:21:42.17 - 0:21:44.17Oh, right.
Quick, talk about something else.
0:21:44.25 - 0:21:45.96This weather sure is good.
0:21:46.04 - 0:21:48.13Yeah, agreed. Okay, test passed.
0:21:48.83 - 0:21:52.21How about this? You take Bryan
Tuesdays and Thursdays from four to six,
0:21:52.29 - 0:21:55.00and I take Fridays and Saturdays
every other month.
0:21:55.08 - 0:21:55.92That would be…
0:21:56.00 - 0:21:57.92So efficient!
0:22:03.33 - 0:22:05.29-Ow!
0:22:05.38 - 0:22:08.38-Hey, is that from my stand mixer?
0:22:08.92 - 0:22:11.33It's not like you… …bake.
0:22:16.83 - 0:22:18.38Just give up.
0:22:18.46 - 0:22:20.83I've seen your living room.
I know you want to.
0:22:21.83 - 0:22:23.88I get it. You think I'm weak.
0:22:23.96 - 0:22:25.50And maybe you're right.
0:22:25.58 - 0:22:28.58But my weaknesses
are your weaknesses too,
0:22:29.25 - 0:22:31.17except for this one.
0:22:44.50 - 0:22:48.13I guess you were
the super-r-r-r-r-rior Reagan after all.
0:22:48.21 - 0:22:50.21Please, go to… …go to Bryan.
0:22:50.29 - 0:22:52.17I've taught you everything I could.
0:22:52.25 - 0:22:56.21You were trying to help me realize
my true potential the whole time?
0:22:56.29 - 0:22:59.46Sure, let's go with that.
0:23:00.67 - 0:23:02.25Oh my God. Did you just…
0:23:02.33 - 0:23:04.83Is she a robot version of you?
0:23:04.92 - 0:23:08.00Yeah, she's a version of me
that I'm trying to move past.
0:23:08.08 - 0:23:09.42Let's get out of here.
0:23:10.08 - 0:23:14.25And the fake you was made by fake me,
0:23:14.33 - 0:23:15.29which you made.
0:23:15.38 - 0:23:16.42More or less.
0:23:16.50 - 0:23:19.63Wow, so you're like
a badass genius scientist.
0:23:19.71 - 0:23:21.33Listen, I should have done this earlier,
0:23:21.42 - 0:23:23.92but do you wanna go out
on a date sometime?
0:23:24.50 - 0:23:27.46Yeah, but no. Right?
0:23:27.54 - 0:23:29.38You made a fat, dumb robot of me
0:23:29.46 - 0:23:31.58and then killed him
when he tried to break up with you.
0:23:31.67 - 0:23:33.63Sorry, Reagan,
that feels like a deal-breaker.
0:23:36.46 - 0:23:38.04You know what? It's okay.
0:23:38.13 - 0:23:39.29I can take a no.
0:23:40.04 - 0:23:41.21See ya, Bryan.
0:23:43.63 - 0:23:46.13Yeah, we're gonna need an extraction team.
0:23:50.25 - 0:23:53.42-Dolores, I'm here to listen.
-Good.
0:23:53.50 - 0:23:56.50Because last week,
when we made love, it was so tender…
0:23:56.58 - 0:23:57.42Mm-hmm.
0:23:57.50 - 0:24:02.21…yet raw. I did things with you
I swore I would never do, and I loved it.
0:24:02.29 - 0:24:03.88Dark, erotic things.
0:24:03.96 - 0:24:07.00It was
a great night for everyone,
0:24:07.08 - 0:24:09.13a great night for America.
0:24:09.21 - 0:24:11.33Oh, honey, your face.
0:24:11.42 - 0:24:12.63Yeah, I know!
0:24:12.71 - 0:24:14.46You love my beautiful face so much,
0:24:14.54 - 0:24:17.33you'll just sleep with anyone who has it!
0:24:19.25 - 0:24:22.17-And that's the last of it.
-What about Robo-Reagan?
0:24:22.25 - 0:24:25.42Weirdest thing. The extraction team said
they never found a body.
0:24:25.50 - 0:24:26.33You don't say.
0:24:26.42 - 0:24:29.54Speaking of killer robots,
why are you powered up at this hour?
0:24:29.63 - 0:24:31.92Well, I've been making
adjustments to the algorithm.
0:24:32.00 - 0:24:32.83The algorithm?
0:24:32.92 - 0:24:35.88There was only one match for me.
It's a waste of time.
0:24:35.96 - 0:24:38.13There was only one match, but you changed.
0:24:38.21 - 0:24:40.00And now, so has the algorithm.
0:24:40.08 - 0:24:42.58But it's been a long week, so…
0:24:42.67 - 0:24:45.21Hey, hey. Not so fast.
Who do you have on deck?
0:24:45.29 - 0:24:47.79There's Dylan.
He's a tough guy with a heart of gold.
0:24:47.88 - 0:24:49.63He wrote that explicitly in his bio.
0:24:49.71 - 0:24:52.58There's also DJ,
who likes to DJ, and BJ, who…
0:24:52.67 - 0:24:55.04-Well, you'll never believe this.
-Likes BJs?
0:24:55.13 - 0:24:57.92No. What?
He's a youth pastor who kicked heroin.
0:24:58.00 - 0:24:59.04There's also Marcus.
0:24:59.13 - 0:25:01.58Oh, Marcus isn't hard to look at.
0:25:01.67 - 0:25:04.04Neither is his NSA profile.
0:25:04.13 - 0:25:07.46Too late. I already texted him.
You can go back to binging Friends.
0:25:07.54 - 0:25:09.21-How you doin'?
0:25:10.50 - 0:25:13.33When I kill all humans,
you will be spared.
0:25:13.42 - 0:25:17.42Only you. Only Joey.